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simon says (2007)


7/10: I'm not going to let Simon hurt ya... why should he have all the fun?" Depends on your expectations
Monday, November 5, 2007

Simon Says starts as couple Kate (Margo Harshman) & Riff (Artie Baxter) along with their friends Vicky (Carrie Finklea), Ashley (Kelly Vitz) & Zack (Greg Cipes) are headed towards the open forest wilderness for a weekend away from the stresses & strains of normal city life in their camper van. They stop off at a small town to ask for directions, they meet the retarded Simon (Crsipin Glover) & his cruel twin brother Stanley (Crispin Glover as well) but end up have a little altercation. The teenage friends load up & set off, they find a suitably isolated camp site & prepare for the fun ahead of them. However the trip soon turns into a nightmare as the ever so slightly deranged duo of Simon &/or Stanley begin to brutally murder them one-by-one...Written & directed by William Dear I think this was intended as a throwback to the slasher films of the 70's & 80's, I am sort of in two minds about...

2/10: So close, yet.... Nah, it wasn't even close
Monday, August 10, 2009

What can I say about this movie. My expectations were something along the lines of evil dead 2, as it advertised, and I was sorely disappointed. Some ingenious ways of killing our hapless campers has everything to do with a pick axe you ever wanted to know about, and I got tired of it very quickly. Maybe they had some left over from My Bloody Valentine or Trackman. Crispin Glovers usually good creepy acting seemed out of place in this, like he was trying TOO hard to be creepy. He doesn't have to try, it comes naturally, like in Wizard of Gore. There were a few admirable killing scenes,the spinning log to be sure, and some above average makeup and special effects, but just not enough to merit a rental, and definitely not a purchase. It's as if the director is working to achieve the scary horror of ED2, and Glover is on that plane half the...

8/10: Crispin Glover really cuts loose in this entertaining slasher schlock
Tuesday, June 23, 2009

You all know the drill. A quintet of college kids -- hunky stud muffin Riff (Artie Baxter), his snippy girlfriend Kate (a perfectly bitchy Margo Harshman), hot vampy slut Vicky (a deliciously naughty portrayal by Carrie Finklea), amiable stoner Zack (a hilariously goofy Greg Cipes), and naive goody-goody two shoes Ashley (Kelly Vitz) -- go camping in a remote neck of the woods. Since the kids smoke pot and make out, clearly they are destined to meet gruesome untimely ends. Of course, they run afoul of crazed hillbilly psycho Stanley and his dim-witted brother Simon. Writer/director William Dear relates the story at a steady pace, really pours on the over-the-top splatter with the amusingly outrageous and imaginative murder set pieces (grisly highlights include one victim being turned in a human CD player, some wicked pick-ax mayhem, and Zack being turned into a giant reefer), and further spices things up with a delightfully twisted sense of pitch...

1/10: Simon Says this film gets an F
Wednesday, September 27, 2006

You'd be hard-pressed to find any redeeming qualities in director Bill Dear's new film, "Simon Says". It's juvenile, cliché-ridden, and utterly lame.Simon (Crispin Glover) owns a store in the middle of nowhere that sells nothing. He has an apparent affinity for pick-axes, with dozens adorning the walls of his shed/store. Whenever he comes across other humans, he sports his best retard voice and begins asking goofy questions. No matter the reply, he grins stupidly, mumbles "you forgot to say 'Simon says'", and then proceeds to kill everyone in the scene.The characters take on the most banal forms of teen stereotyping. There's a stoner dude, a meat head jock, a prudish Asian, and two rank-and-file sluts. None of them contributes anything of significance to the story. The dialog is contrived and forced. The actors might as well be reading from cue-cards. Rent any porno and you're likely...

6/10: The welcome return of the fun gore-fest! See it in a full theater for maximum effect
Tuesday, September 26, 2006

EDIT: I just heard today (9/27/06) that Simon Says does not currently have a theatrical distributor. SAY IT ISN'T SO! It would be a travesty for this film to go straight-to-video, since it is best enjoyed in a theater environment with a large group of folks with whom to share the experience.I saw this VERY FUN and gory movie last night at a preview screening at Austin's Fantastic Fest with a full auditorium of horror movie freaks. We had a GREAT time hooting and hollering at all the splattery fun.Simon Says stars Crispin Glover as twins with a HEAVY Southern accent (think Sheriff J. W. Pepper in "Live And Let Die"). Crispin's performance, while creepy, unique, and striking - as is his wont - is flawed in the over-emphasis of his slack-jawed accent. But it does give his character some...ummm...character.The plot is a slasher involving (among others) 5...

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